I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
