I can't watch pbs sober anymore
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
