my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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