I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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