Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
