On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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