my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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