I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
