I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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