you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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