Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
