Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
