i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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