Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
