Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
