Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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