I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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