Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
