Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He shit in the fireplace
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
