so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
