there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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