I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
