Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
