youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
