okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
