In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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