I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
