Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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