either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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