I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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