i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
