After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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