I accidentally had phone sex last night
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Randomize
