Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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