halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
