Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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