Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
