Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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