He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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