Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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