recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
