Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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