my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize
