Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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