on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
