Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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