i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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