Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
In America we eat man semen.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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