Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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