no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
